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Ramadan did I misread any of these below?

May 21st, 2010

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE
POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE
BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.

Does my company need to provide food warming and tea making facilities?

May 18th, 2010

Our company has recently moved us into new offices, however the building lacks any kitchen facilities for us to use. While there are tea/coffee vending machines on alternate floors, we have to pay for all refreshments and we have been told that we are not allowed to use kettles in the office either. Due to the lack of a kitchen, there is no microwave in the office for us to heat any food that we want to bring from home.

They have recently opened a canteen in the basement, which has started serving tea/coffee (again at a price) but also has no facilities for us to heat any food. Some of us have been going down to the canteen to get boiling water so we can make our own tea/coffee at our desks, but we have been told that they are going to start charging us for that too.

Are they allowed to do this? What is the law on providing hot water facilities and/or microwaves? Are there any websites that I can use as proof to challenge my employers to provide these necessities for us? Any guidance would be appreciated!
They also don’t have a fridge available for us to use anywhere in the building. So if we want to bring anything cold drinks/food from home with us, they aren’t cold come lunchtime after being sat in our desk drawers for half a day..

Ladies: How would you react in this situation ……………..?

May 14th, 2010

We are friends & collegues in the same office and often chat at the coffee machine.

One rainy day, I see you walking home in the rain with no coat or brolly, I offer you a lift which you gladly accept.

All of a sudden, in an un-guarded moment, I say "You look sexy when you’re wet" ……..

…….. how do you react ???????

Why beer should be served in offices?

May 12th, 2010

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would ra ther come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting “Bare ass” on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.”

Mr. Eric… you are not in office board meeting but at Jokes section of Y/A… come on man … grow up :)

Needs help with names?

May 10th, 2010

I’m writing a story set in the fictional New Jersey town of Blaire in the county of Monmouth, it is a small waterfront town which deals mainly in summertime tourism and fishing. It is considered a small town yet has an Elementary, Middle and High School, Hospital and it’s own permanent fairground. There is a waterfront promenade with cafe’s, stores and hotels where most of the younger people in town get their jobs. Behind that is a small shopping district and a large suburban area, the story is set in 1970 and I need names for the various places.

1. A Crab Restaurant, family oriented place with a big plastic crab on the face of the building.

2. A cheap gas station with a 50’s style diner inside one of those metallic buildings with the booths and the bar.

3. A pleasant looking waterfront hotel with shuttered windows and potted plants, all the rooms have peppermints on the pillows of the beds.

4. A rather greasy spoon fast food restaurant with a clown as it’s mascot, has a drive through and sells hamburgers, onion rings etc, menu very similar to Dairy Queen.

5. A sprawling country club with a spa, golf course, tennis courts and swimming pool.

6. A small funfair amongst the rocks besides the beach, away from the water. There is a small wooden roller coaster, ferris wheel, a tunnel of love, food and game stalls, a carousel, a crooked house, ghost train and a zipper ride.

7. A family owned pharmacy/drug store.

8. A seedy looking Pawn Shop.

9. A classy looking Coffee Shop with dark leather seats and black and white photography on the walls.

10. A tavern with an inn above, pool tables and a juke box, is known for attracting bikers.

11. The town hall where they hold meetings, have theatre plays and host talent shows and the local beauty pageant "Blaire Teen Princess".

12. A rather pleasant looking, but slightly run down cinema with 3 screen rooms and a big awning with the magnetic letters on a white board, usually shows matinee.

13. A big drive in cinema on the edge of town which shows horror and sci fi flicks, a popular haunt for teens.

14. A pizzaria with white, green and red tiled walls and a pinball machine up front, the owner is a friendly yet slightly unkempt Italian.

15. A little club with a open mic stage for karaoke, poetry and stand up comedy. Sells hard liqour and the menu mainly consists of seafood.

16. A hardware store, slightly big and has a large parking lot. The owner has a shotgun in his office and has a penchant for making sure teenagers stay out of trouble.

17. A small nightclub on the water front with a bright and zany interior and a dance floor, a mirror ball and a stage for up and coming bands. Owned by a woman called Pinky with pink hair.

Thanks so much for helping me out guys!
the place where they hold Town Hall meetings isn’t the town hall, if it was that I wouldn’t of bothered to list it. Something like the Howard Building or Thymes Theatre
No. 17 is ‘The Flamingo’

No. 16 is ‘Jack’s Home Saloon’

No. 12 is ‘Mainstreet Matinee’

No. 4 is ‘Pledger’s’

No.2 is ‘Cooper’s Gas’ and the diner is called ‘Audra’s’

No. 12 is ‘The Blue Moon Drive-In Cinema’

What do you think about Obama's proposed vending machine policies?

May 9th, 2010

Under Bush, people were able to buy a 20oz bottle of soda for a mere .00 — some machines even offer it for as little as {content}.80! But these machines have STOLEN jobs from deserving Americans. Therefore, Obama has proposed that a law be enacted which requires a Certified Vending Machine Operator (CVMO) be present at each machine when a purchase is made.

"Essentially, these CVMOs will be present to take the money from the customers. The CVMO will then insert the money into the vending machine, and select the product the customer requests. We will provide training so that each CVMO will become proficient at operating the machine they are assigned to. This will stimulate the economy and provide jobs. This is the gateway to an America with a significantly smaller unemployment rate.", explained President elect Obama.

But some critics are skeptical of Obama’s change. CVMOs will earn a minimum of /hour and receive health, dental and other benefits. It is estimated that the average price of a 20oz soda will jump from {content}.80-1.00 to .95-.00. Likewise, snack, coffee, sandwich and other vending machines will need to raise their price to cover the expertise provided by the CVMO attending to the machine.

"This is just <censored> ridiculous!", exclaimed Andrew Pierce of Borchard Printing. "When I’m running late in the morning, I am sometimes forced to buy my lunch from vending machines at the office. I hate spending .00 for a <censored> lunch. This change will make the same lunch cost near ! I find it ironic that these people working as CVMOs are the ones who would need a CVMO to use a vending machine. This isn’t rocket science."

What is your opinion on the CHANGE Obama has in store for the vending industry? Considering each vending machine would require a CVMO, that is a lot of jobs throughout the US! Maybe he isn’t as stupid as conservatives made him out to be before the election?

New cos woker hides in weird places at work and stares at me. Why? What do I do?

May 8th, 2010

Every time I look up from my compute at the works place I see my strange cos worker, Donna, crouched down in a strange position staring at me with her mouth open. I have caught her behind the file cabinet, under the paper shredder, behind the copy machine, under the confrence room table, under my desk, behind the water cooler and under the coffee maker, and evin in the decorative fake bush plants and lately she has even been caught under my office chair. What should I do? Every time I try and confront her she just runs off. I am afraid that if I tell management or human resources they will think I am crazy and that I have lost my mind. I almost peed in my panties the other day. Donna really startles me when she hides under my mini van in the parking deck at night. This has to stop. I am not sure but I think I have even seen her late at night in my back yard hiding behind my potting shed and swinged set. Some times I will look out my window and see the swing moving but there is no one there and then I look over and see donna crouched inside my sand box. I can’t really prove that it is her, so I haven’t called the cops yet.

Just came back from the Nets-Bulls game?

May 7th, 2010

Disclaimer: Before you read this thread, just note that everything I am writing is 100% with all honestly and sincerity, the truth. If there’s one thing that you should know about me, it’s that I’m about as honest as a person you can find. I would not write up such a long thread as a fib to impress anybody.

Anyways, yeah. It’s currently 4:07AM here in the New York, and I just came home. If you’re wondering why so late, considering that the game starts at 7:30ET and ends about 2 hours and 15 minutes later, I’ll explain everything below.

To start off… this was a LONG night, and I mean LONG, but very productive night nonetheless. I don’t feel like talking about the game, because it was an absolute disgrace. The Nets had SUCH a good 3rd quarter, and they couldn’t close the game out in the 4th quarter! Why? I don’t even know anymore. Izod Center has some sort of curse to it. The crowd was amazing tonight, there was over 20,000 people in attendance all yelling and screaming, so it can’t be the lack of energy. The Nets just fell down the stretch. Chicago made big plays, they hit shots, and the Nets let Chicago go on a 12-0 run to start the 4th quarter (I think). It’s about as simple as that.

It was a good game nonetheless, but a very upsetting loss ended as the result.

Yeah, there’s not much to say about the game. It was alright… I am starting to get sick of attending Nets games though. It’s basically good money thrown to waste, because you always know what the end result is going to be. Let’s get to the interesting part. Below is where I explain why I came home so late.

My friend and I were at the postgame show. We go there after every single time. The postgame show in hosted in the back of the Nets court, where any fan is welcome to come after the game to hear the radio analysts talk about the game and maybe get a question or two from one of the fans. They serve free coffee and brownies, and it’s a pretty nice experience.

Moving on… during the postgame show, we saw an old friend over there from my old school, and got a bit caught up chatting with him. To my dismay, by the time we finished out little chat, all the buses headed towards New York were gone (the last bus leaves a half an hour after the game). Realizing this, my friend and I (not the old friend who I saw in the postgame show, the friend who I originally went with to the game) went inside the stadium and told one of the security guards our situation. He heard our story, stood there for a few seconds, and told us to follow him. He took us through a hall, and we saw EVERYTHING. I’m talking about the Nets locker room (we didn’t go inside, we couldn’t… we had to follow him, obviously), we saw the head coaches office, the assistant coaches office, the press room, etc. Ugh. It was such a great experience. We didn’t get to meet any players, because the players were long gone by that time, but it was still awesome.

In the end, he got one of the press who lives in Brooklyn to drive us. We had to wait for for like an hour until he was done with his work so he can drive us, but during our wait, we got free soda and water from the machine, we met Fred Kerber of the New York Post, and the dude that drove us was actually Ben Couch of NBA.com. During the drive which was like an hour, he told us the coolest stories lol. He’s been working in the NBA since the 80’s, so he’s met pretty much every single player there is to meet, almost. He told us a story an interesting story about Dennis Rodman (I would share it, but it’s way too long to type out), he told us about the current Nets players and who he likes and dislikes, etc. It was awesome!

I would type out some more, but I am absolutely exhausted right now. It’s currently 4:37AM here in New York, and I am wishing all of you a good night. Hope to read some comments in the morning, and there are some pictures from tonight coming in a bit, after I upload all of them, which I will probably do in the morning. Stay tuned, and thanks for reading.

Is this something you would try at work?

May 6th, 2010

Again its another forwarded email like my last elevator one…… (Feel free to check out at : http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmT_KcU4OHSj0qhwkTZ8oWjsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080413194038AA2GTms)

Sorry if you’ve seen them…… but are you game enough to try them?

Okay who’s up for the challenge?

ONE-POINT DARES: (1)

· Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and grimace.
· Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors
open.
· When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and
pretend it wasn’t you.
· Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy…"
· Don’t use any punctuation.
· Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

THREE-POINT DARES: (3)

· Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers while making a clicking sound with
your tongue that resembles the sound of a revolver.
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
· Every time you get an email, shout ”e-mail”.
· Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone is over his
or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
· Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle".
Then wink and pout.
· Call I.T. help desk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any
pornography web-sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES : (5)

· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually
launch into it yourself).
· Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10times.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
· During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.
· As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
· Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
· Hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough
embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I’ll call you
tonight".

Hangover..which one do you suffer from?

May 5th, 2010

1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can’t hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following – home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You’d cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is breathe… very gently.

6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you know, you’re going to chuck. That Kebab you ate earlier has done you no favours.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won’t relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, star me all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so
Wacky one, i have had a couple of 6 star ones. i remember lying on the bed and the light on the ceiling was making its way to antarctica. luckily i hardly get sick, but God have i suffered the rest of the day. I start off a wee quiet mouse and by tea time im like a roaring lion, and DONT ANNOY ME!!…..lol.
definately couldn’t handle them anymore

What do you think about Obama's proposed vending machine policies?

May 4th, 2010

Under Bush, people were able to buy a 20oz bottle of soda for a mere .00 — some machines even offer it for as little as {content}.80! But these machines have STOLEN jobs from deserving Americans. Therefore, Obama has proposed that a law be enacted which requires a Certified Vending Machine Operator (CVMO) be present at each machine when a purchase is made.

"Essentially, these CVMOs will be present to take the money from the customers. The CVMO will then insert the money into the vending machine, and select the product the customer requests. We will provide training so that each CVMO will become proficient at operating the machine they are assigned to. This will stimulate the economy and provide jobs. This is the gateway to an America with a significantly smaller unemployment rate.", explained President elect Obama.

But some critics are skeptical of Obama’s change. CVMOs will earn a minimum of /hour and receive health, dental and other benefits. It is estimated that the average price of a 20oz soda will jump from {content}.80-1.00 to .95-.00. Likewise, snack, coffee, sandwich and other vending machines will need to raise their price to cover the expertise provided by the CVMO attending to the machine.

"This is just <censored> ridiculous!", exclaimed Andrew Pierce of Borchard Printing. "When I’m running late in the morning, I am sometimes forced to buy my lunch from vending machines at the office. I hate spending .00 for a <censored> lunch. This change will make the same lunch cost near ! I find it ironic that these people working as CVMOs are the ones who would need a CVMO to use a vending machine. This isn’t rocket science."

What is your opinion on the CHANGE Obama has in store for the vending industry? Considering each vending machine would require a CVMO, that is a lot of jobs throughout the US! Maybe he isn’t as stupid as conservatives made him out to be before the election?

What do you think about Obama's proposed vending machine policies?

May 4th, 2010

Under Bush, people were able to buy a 20oz bottle of soda for a mere .00 — some machines even offer it for as little as {content}.80! But these machines have STOLEN jobs from deserving Americans. Therefore, Obama has proposed that a law be enacted which requires a Certified Vending Machine Operator (CVMO) be present at each machine when a purchase is made.

"Essentially, these CVMOs will be present to take the money from the customers. The CVMO will then insert the money into the vending machine, and select the product the customer requests. We will provide training so that each CVMO will become proficient at operating the machine they are assigned to. This will stimulate the economy and provide jobs. This is the gateway to an America with a significantly smaller unemployment rate.", explained President elect Obama.

But some critics are skeptical of Obama’s change. CVMOs will earn a minimum of /hour and receive health, dental and other benefits. It is estimated that the average price of a 20oz soda will jump from {content}.80-1.00 to .95-.00. Likewise, snack, coffee, sandwich and other vending machines will need to raise their price to cover the expertise provided by the CVMO attending to the machine.

"This is just <censored> ridiculous!", exclaimed Andrew Pierce of Borchard Printing. "When I’m running late in the morning, I am sometimes forced to buy my lunch from vending machines at the office. I hate spending .00 for a <censored> lunch. This change will make the same lunch cost near ! I find it ironic that these people working as CVMOs are the ones who would need a CVMO to use a vending machine. This isn’t rocket science."

What is your opinion on the CHANGE Obama has in store for the vending industry? Considering each vending machine would require a CVMO, that is a lot of jobs throughout the US! Maybe he isn’t as stupid as conservatives made him out to be before the election?

plz. help me to write the main idea of this article in the NY Times. in two pages.?

May 3rd, 2010

November 5, 2006
Where Plan A Left Ahmad Chalabi
By DEXTER FILKINS
1. London, August 2006

Many miles away in a more dangerous place the dream is ending badly. The bodies pile up. Good people stream to the borders. Leaders pile money onto planes. The center is giving way.

The apartment on South Street in London is an antidote to Baghdad in nearly every respect. Where the Iraqi capital rings with chaos and violence, the sidewalks of Mayfair are quiet enough to hear your own voice above the cars. Baghdad is treeless and tan; the South Street apartment opens onto a private park filled with the lushness of an English garden. Just across the way is the Anglican church where General Eisenhower, stationed here as the commander of Allied forces during the war, came to pray. A maid greets you at the door, an elderly Lebanese woman who doubles as an Arabic teacher for the children.

The parlor is neatly appointed and filled with art, most of it European, different from the Baghdad house, where most of it is Iraqi. There is “Sketch of a Woman,” by Lucien Pissarro, the French painter who propagated Impressionism in London; it catches the light nicely. The furniture is expensive, the kind that makes you hesitate to sit down. But the place has a lived-in quality too; family members come and go, clutching bags and calling to one another down the hallways. No one seems the least bit awed by the man of the house, who is dressed in a bespoke suit and carries himself like a monarch, and who, until now, hasn’t spent more than a day at a time here since before the Iraq war began.

For Ahmad Chalabi, Iraq is an abstraction again. Once again, his native country is a faraway land ruled by somebody else, a place where other people die. It’s a place to be discussed, rued, plotted over, from a parlor on an expensive Western street. Iraq’s new leaders, the men who excluded Chalabi from the government they formed this spring, still call for advice — several times a day, Chalabi says. He is here in London, his longtime home in exile, temporarily, he says, taking his first vacation in five years. At lunch at a nearby restaurant an hour before, he ordered the sea bass wrapped in a banana leaf. He walks the streets unattended by armed guards.

But the interlude, Chalabi says, is just that, a passing thing. His doubters will come back to him; they always have. As ever, he wears a jester’s smile, wide and blank, a mask that has carried him through crises of the first world and the third. Still, a touch of bitterness can creep into Chalabi’s voice, a hint that he has concluded that his time has come and gone. Indeed, even for a man as vain and resilient as Chalabi, his present predicament stands too large to go unacknowledged. Once Iraq’s anointed leader — anointed by the Americans — Chalabi, at age 62, is without a job, spurned by the very colleagues whose ascension he engineered. His benefactors in the White House and in the Pentagon, who once gobbled up whatever half-baked intelligence Chalabi offered, now regard him as undependable and — worse — safely ignored. Chalabi’s life work, an Iraq liberated from Saddam Hussein, a modern and democratic Iraq, is spiraling toward disintegration. Indeed, for many in the West, Chalabi has become the personification of all that has gone wrong in Iraq: the lies, the arrogance, the occupation as disaster.

“The real culprit in all this is Wolfowitz,” Chalabi says, referring to his erstwhile backer, the former deputy secretary of defense, Paul Wolfowitz. “They chickened out. The Pentagon guys chickened out.”

Chalabi still considers Wolfowitz a friend, so he proceeds carefully. America’s big mistake, Chalabi maintains, was in failing to step out of the way after Hussein’s downfall and let the Iraqis take charge. The Iraqis, not the Americans, should have been allowed to take over immediately — the people who knew the country, who spoke the language and, most important, who could take responsibility for the chaos that was unfolding in the streets. An Iraqi government could have acted harshly, even brutally, to regain control of the place, and the Iraqis would have been without a foreigner to blame. They would have appreciated the firm hand. There would have been no guerrilla insurgency or, if there was, a small one that the new Iraqi government could have ferreted out and crushed on its own. An Iraqi leadership would have brought Moktada al-Sadr, the populist cleric, into the government and house-trained him. The Americans, in all likelihood, could have gone home. They certainly would have been home by now.

“We would have taken hold of the country,” Chalabi says. “We would have revitalized the civil service immediately. We would have been able to put together a military force and an intelligence service. There would have been no insurgency. We would have had electricity. The Americans screwed it up.”

Chalabi’s notion — that an Iraqi government, as opposed to an American one, could have saved the great experiment — has become one of the arguments put forth by the war’s proponents in the just-beginning debate over who lost Iraq. At best, it’s improbable: Chalabi is essentially arguing that a handful of Iraqi exiles, some of whom had not lived in the country in decades, could have put together a government and quelled the chaos that quickly engulfed the country after Hussein’s regime collapsed. They could have done this, presumably, without an army (which most wanted to dissolve) and without a police force (which was riddled with Baathists).

In fact, the Americans considered the idea and dismissed it. (But not, Wolfowitz insists, because of him. His longtime aide, Kevin Kellems, said that Wolfowitz favored turning over power “as rapidly as possible to duly elected Iraqi authorities.”) The Bush administration decided to go to the United Nations and have the American role in Iraq formally described as that of an “occupying power,” a step that no Iraqi, not even the lowliest tea seller, failed to notice. They appointed L. Paul Bremer III as viceroy. Instead of empowering Iraqis, Bremer set up an advisory panel of Iraqis — one that included Chalabi — that had no power at all. The warmth that many ordinary Iraqis felt for the Americans quickly ebbed away. It’s not clear that the Americans had any other choice. But here in his London parlor, Chalabi is now contending that excluding Iraqis was the Americans’ fatal mistake.

“It was a puppet show!” Chalabi exclaims again, shifting on the couch. “The worst of all worlds. We were in charge, and we had no power. We were blamed for everything the Americans did, but we couldn’t change any of it.”

It’s three and a half years later now. More than 2,800 Americans are dead; more than 3,000 Iraqis die each month. The anarchy seems limitless. In May 2004, American and Iraqi agents even raided Chalabi’s home in Baghdad. He has been denounced by Bremer and by Bush and accused of passing secrets to America’s enemy, Iran. At the heart of the American decision to take over and run Iraq, Chalabi now concludes, lay a basic contempt for Iraqis, himself included.

“In Wolfowitz’s mind, you couldn’t trust the Iraqis to run a democracy,” Chalabi says. “ ‘We have to teach them, give them lessons,’ in Wolfowitz’s mind. ‘We have to leave Iraq under our tutelage. The Iraqis are useless. The Iraqis are incompetent.’

“What I didn’t realize,” Chalabi says, “was that the Americans sold us out.”

Turkish coffee is served, then tea. I consider Chalabi’s predicament: the Iraqi patrician, confidant of prime ministers and presidents, the M.I.T.- and University of Chicago-trained mathematics professor, owner of a Mayfair flat, complaining of being regarded, by the masters he once manipulated, as a scruffy, shiftless native.

“I’ve been a friend of America, and I’ve been its enemy,” he says. “America betrays its friends. It sets them up and betrays them. I’d rather be America’s enemy.”

And so he is. Sort of. With Chalabi, it’s hard to be certain, and not just because his motives are so opaque, but because he is never still. He is enigmatic, brilliant, nimble, unreliable, charming, narcissistic, finally elusive. The journey to Mayfair is a long one. What happened to Chalabi?

Well, you might ask: What happened to Iraq?

2. Mushkhab, January 2005

The election is coming, and we are heading south. Twenty cars, mostly carrying men with guns. They hang out the windows, pointing their Kalashnikovs at the terrified drivers. Get out of the way or we shoot, and maybe we shoot anyway — that’s the message. But that’s Iraq. We move quickly, weaving, south in the southbound, south in the northbound. Very fast. Unbelievably fast. Drivers veer and career. We go where we want.

We’re low on fuel, and a gas station beckons. It is one of the strange and singular facts of Iraqi life that despite sitting atop an ocean of oil, Iraqis must wait hours — often days — for gasoline at the pumps. Lack of refining capacity, smuggling, stealing, insurgent attacks, Soviet subsidies: it’s complicated. On the road outside Salman Pak, the line is perhaps 300 cars long.

The Chalabi convoy cuts straight to the front of the line. No one protests. It’s the guns. The Iraqis wait for days, and our effrontery brings no protest. Not a peep. We get our gas and we speed away, guns out the windows. Very fast.

An hour later, we arrive at our destination, Mushkhab. It’s a mostly Shiite town about 100 miles south of Baghdad. It is friendly country — to Chalabi, and still, then, to Americans.

The whole town — the males, anyway — gathers round. Chalabi stands in the center, dressed in a dark gray Western suit. The Iraqis clap and read poetry; some of it they sing. It’s a tradition, a kind of serenade to the honored guest.

“Hey, listen, Bush, we are Iraqis,” the poet says, and everyone is clapping. “We never bow our heads to anyone, and we won’t do it for you. We have tough guys like Chalabi on our side — be careful.”

Everyone laughs.

We move inside the mudhif, a tall, long, fantastic structure woven of dried river reeds, a kind of pavilion of rattan. The room is laid with hand-woven carpets, and on the walls hang framed yellowed photographs of the leaders of the tribe, Al Fatla, meeting with their British overlords many years ago. A pair of loudspeakers are set up in the front. Chalabi takes a microphone.

“My Iraqi brothers, the Americans pushed out Saddam, but they did not liberate our country,” Chalabi tells the group. “We are asking you to participate in this election so that we can have an independent country. This is not just words. The Iraqi people will liberate the country.”

He goes on a little more, warming to the Iraqis assembled about him.

“On my way here, I saw a huge line of people waiting for gasoline,” Chalabi tells the group. “Some of them were there for two nights, carrying blankets with them. It makes me very sad to see my brothers wait for days to get gas at the station.”

Shameless, huh? I thought so, too. Almost a thing of beauty. It was so outrageous I almost wanted to forgive him, as a teacher might her sassy but cleverest boy. And that’s the thing about Chalabi: he’s very difficult to dislike. It may be his secret.

It was Chalabi, after all — a foreigner, an Arab — who persuaded the most powerful men and women in the United States to make the liberation of Iraq not merely a priority but an obsession. First in 1998, when Chalabi persuaded Congress to pass the Iraq Liberation Act (in turn leading to payments to his group, the Iraqi National Congress, exceeding million over the next six years) and then, later, in persuading the Bush administration of the necessity of using force to destroy Saddam Hussein. And when it all went bad, when those nuclear weapons never turned up, the clever child shrugged and smiled. “We are heroes in error,” Chalabi told Britain’s Daily Telegraph. Almost with a wink.

Lunch is served: a long table heaped with rice and roasted lamb. No seats. Everyone stands, dozens of us, and we dig in with our fingers. After a time, we prepare to leave. The table and the ground around it are littered with rice and lamb bones. We re-form into a convoy and speed toward the holy city of Najaf.

By the time we arrive in Najaf, it’s dark. The fighting between American soldiers and the Mahdi Army irregulars laid waste to the city only a few months before, but on this night, Najaf seems remarkably calm. The pilgrim hotels lie in ruins, but the golden dome of the shrine of Imam Ali shimmers under a January moon.

Chalabi exits his S.U.V. and strides inside through the 20-foot-high wooden doors. A clutch of Sunni leaders, whom Chalabi has agreed to show around, trail in step. The curiosities intersect: the Sunnis are not Shiites, and this is the holiest of Shiite places, the tomb of the son-in-law of the Holy Prophet and the very heart of the Shiite faith. But they are still Muslims, and they are allowed to pass. As a non-Muslim, I wait outside in the street.

More unlikely than the presence of the Sunnis is their tour guide, Chalabi. Or it was unlikely. Not anymore. Chalabi, the Westernized, Western-educated mathematician, has entered his Islamist phase.

It’s not terribly convincing. He does not don a turban. He has no beard. He does not pray. He does not, really, even pretend. But as a practical politician — as an exile come home to a strange land getting stranger by the day — Chalabi had to do something. Relations between Chalabi and the Bush administration began to sour almost immediately after the fall of Hussein, when the Americans decided against putting Iraqis — presumably Chalabi — in charge. Bremer considered him an egomaniac. When no W.M.D. turned up, more and more Americans came to blame Chalabi for the war. Chalabi’s association with the Americans grew more disadvantageous by the day.

The break came on May 20, 2004, when the Americans, accusing Chalabi of telling the Iranian government that the Americans were eavesdropping on their secret communications, swooped in on his Baghdad compound. American troops sealed off Mansour, the neighborhood where Chalabi lived, while scores of Iraqi and American agents kicked in the compound doors. One of the Iraqis, Chalabi said, put a gun to his head.

“Look, I think they tried to kill him,” Richard Perle, the former Pentagon adviser and longtime Chalabi friend, said of the American and Iraqi agents. “I think the raid on his house was intended to result in violence. They had sent 20 or 40 Humvees over there. Chalabi was being protected by a force of about 100 guys with machine guns. It is a miracle that it didn’t result in a massive shootout.”

No shots were fired, but the break seemed final. Isolated, Chalabi turned to Islam — and, in particular, to Moktada al-Sadr, the Shiite cleric and leader of two armed uprisings against the Americans and the Iraqi government. Sadr is an erratic and unpredictable young man who sometimes ends his sermons with apocalyptic visions of the “hidden” 12th imam revealing himself. He is also the most popular man in Iraq. In the anarchy that ensued following the fall of Hussein, Iraqis, once known for their largely secular outlook, ran headlong toward Islam. Religion and anarchy moved together: the worse conditions got in the streets, the more Islamic Iraqis became.

In the three and a half years that I have known Chalabi, I never once saw him pray. Or give any indication that he harbored religious beliefs at all. Mowaffak al-Rubaie, the Iraqi national security adviser and a devout Shiite, told me once that when he and a group of five senior Iraqi politicians visited the Imam Ali shrine in 2004, all of them prayed but Chalabi. While the others knelt, Rubaie said, Chalabi stood quietly with his hands folded in front of him.

On this return visit to the Imam Ali shrine, Chalabi and his Sunni colleagues spent 10 minutes inside and exited without saying a thing. But word travels quickly down Najaf’s narrow streets, and by the time our convoy sped back to Baghdad, there were very few people in Najaf who did not know that Chalabi had come.

Once, when I asked Chalabi about his flirtation with the Islamists, he answered not in terms of religion but of politics. Moktada, he explained, was not essentially dangerous but merely misunderstood, an outsider who could be coaxed into Iraq’s new democratic order. Chalabi was happy to act as the bridge, and if he benefited politically from his efforts, he was not complaining.

“The Americans made a mistake when they excluded Moktada in the beginning,” Chalabi told me. “Our real business is to persuade everybody that Sadr is better inside than outside, and to provide some measure of comfort to the middle class that he is not going to eat them up.”

Indeed, Chalabi and Sadr are not as unlikely a pair as they may seem. Musa al-Sadr, the late Iranian-born ayatollah and Moktada’s cousin, presided over Chalabi’s wedding in Beirut in 1971. Chalabi’s wife, Leila, is the daughter of Adel Osseiran, a leader of the Lebanese independence movement. Musa al-Sadr was the founder of Amal, which became the prototypical Shiite party in the Middle East.

It seemed like a game, and not one that Chalabi liked to give away. Whenever I asked him about his coziness with Moktada, and how it squared with his own religious beliefs, I usually received a curt retort.

For a time, Chalabi — and the Americans — got the better of the deal. Moktada fielded candidates in the January 2005 election, and his militia, though still untamed, fell into line behind its leader. He endorsed something less than an absolute role for Islam in the Iraqi Constitution. By early 2006, parties loyal to Sadr held the largest bloc in the Iraqi Parliament. As for Chalabi, Moktada kept him afloat a little longer.

But in siding with the Islamists, Chalabi helped make them stronger than they were, and he threw his weight behind a number of trends that were only then becoming dominant: the Islamization of Iraqi society, the division of Iraq into sectarian cantons. Those trends later spiraled out of control, into the de facto civil war that is unfolding now. Some Iraqis who watched Chalabi then still don’t forgive him — and they think that ultimately, the Islamists got the better of him.

“Ahmad’s problem is that Ahmad is usually the smartest man in the room, and he thinks he can control what happens,” I was told by an Iraqi official who worked with Chalabi at the time and who would speak only anonymously. “But these guys don’t care if you have a Ph.D. in math; they’ll kill you. In the end, things went way past the point where Ahmad thought they would ever go. I can’t imagine he wanted that. But he helped start it.”

3. Baghdad, October 2005

Chalabi is standing on the rooftop of his ancestral home in Khadimiya, a heavily Shiite neighborhood known for its shrine. Mansour, the area where he has lived since Hussein’s fall, has slipped into anarchy. The final round of nationwide elections is a couple of months away. For the moment, Chalabi is the deputy prime minister, behind the affable but ineffectual Ibrahim Jaafari.

Across the street stand a pair of grain silos built by his father, Abdul Hadi Chalabi. Downstairs, on a wall in the sitting room, there is an old British map dating to the 1920’s, showing Baghdad, which was much smaller than it is now. North of Baghdad, in what was then farmland and what is now Khadimiya, a dot indicates a town. The dot says, “Chalabi.” At the time, Chalabi’s family owned nearly two and a half million acres throughout Iraq.

Those vast holdings are reduced to the compound where Chalabi now stands. It’s about 10 acres, including the main house, which a team of workers is renovating, a large swimming pool, a grove of date palms and, in the back, a mudhif. There is a row of garages, decrepit now, where workers once serviced the machinery and trucks that brought the wheat and dates to market.

“Imagine,” Chalabi says, turning to me. “And C.I.A. says I have no roots here.”

Chalabi spent 45 years in exile. Under the Hashemite monarchy installed by the British after World War I, the ruling class of the new Iraq was largely made up of Sunni Muslims, as it had been under the Ottoman Turks. The Chalabis were part of the small Shiite elite; most of the rest of the Shiite majority formed a vast underclass. The remnants of that Shiite elite now form a sizable slice of the political establishment of post-Saddam Iraq. In addition to Chalabi, there is Adil Abdul Mahdi, the vice president, a Chalabi friend since boyhood; Ayad Allawi, the former president, who is a Chalabi relative by marriage; and Feisal al-Istrabadi, the deputy ambassador to the United Nations in New York. In the 1950’s, Chalabi, Mahdi and Allawi were schoolmates at Baghdad College, an elite Jesuit high school. Even in their class photos, nearly a half-century old, all three men are instantly recognizable: Mahdi, the soft-spoken intellectual; Allawi, the charming bully; and Chalabi, the boy genius in a bow tie.

On July 14, 1958, King Faisal II, the British-backed monarch, was deposed and killed; a day later, the prime minister, Nuri al-Said, fled to the home of Chalabi’s sister, Thamina. She dressed Said in an abaya, the head-to-toe gown worn by women. With the army closing in, Thamina Chalabi took Said to the home of Feisal al-Istrabadi’s grandparents. Ahmad Chalabi, then 14, watched his mother and Bibiya al-Istrabadi weep as they pondered the prime minister’s fate.

“Three or four hours later, Said was dead,” Chalabi told me. “He shot himself.”

Chalabi fled Iraq a few months later, first for Lebanon, then England and then America, where he received a degree in mathematics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a doctorate from the University of Chicago. (Dissertation title: “Jacobson Radical of Group Algebras Over Fields Characteristic p.”) He did not return to Baghdad until April 11, 2003.

Chalabi’s homecoming, after the U.S. invasion, was not the triumphant return he hoped it would be. What should have been his principal claim to legitimacy — his central role in toppling Saddam — never carried him very far; it became a liability as Iraq descended into chaos. In the new Iraq, Westernized elites carried less and less authority. Power belonged to the clerics and to the populists. And then there was the scandal at Petra Bank in Jordan, the outlines of which every Iraqi, no matter how dimly educated, seemed already to know: that Chalabi had been convicted in absentia for fraud and sentenced to 22 years in prison for embezzling almost 0 million. (Chalabi, who fled Jordan before he could be arrested, has long denied the charges, maintaining that they were cooked up by the Jordanian government under pressure from Saddam Hussein. Last year, the Jordanians signaled that they were willing to pardon Chalabi. But Chalabi insisted on a public apology, which the Jordanians refused to give.) Even the small army of Iraqi exiles that Chalabi had raised before the war never grew to be much more than a personal militia. One poll, conducted in early 2004, showed him to be the least trusted public figure in Iraq — even less trusted than Saddam Hussein.

Dexter Filkins

The suspicions that ordinary Iraqis harbored about Chalabi were never relieved by his industriousness. As oil minister and deputy prime minister, Chalabi worked night and day, often on the minutiae of Iraq’s oil pipelines and electricity lines or the precise wording, in Arabic and English, of the Iraqi Constitution. I typically went to see Chalabi at night, sometimes at 9 or 10, and usually had to wait an hour or so while he finished with his other visitors. If it was true that Chalabi had returned to Iraq with the expectation of acquiring power, it was not true that he was unwilling to work for it. Chalabi, like all Iraqi political leaders, functioned in conditions of mortal danger at nearly all times. Even when he wanted to walk into his backyard, he had to be followed by armed guards. It’s an exhausting and debilitating way to live. But while many Iraqi exiles either gave up and returned to the West, or now spend as much time outside the country as in, Chalabi stayed in Iraq almost continuously following Hussein’s fall.

For all the hard work, his zigging and zagging across the political spectrum frustrated many of the Iraqi elites — his only natural constituency — especially after his flirtation with the Islamists. “I don’t think Chalabi has any credibility left,” Adnan Pachachi, the 83-year-old former foreign minister, told me before the 2005 elections. “He is not acceptable to Iraqis. People don’t like him shifting all the time. This thing with Moktada — it’s ridiculous.”

One who remained true was his friend Mahdi, who seemed, perhaps from his boyhood days swimming in the Tigris with Chalabi, to carry a deeper understanding of his old friend. “This is the style of Ahmad,” Mahdi told me just before the elections. “He was a banker. He works a dossier. Each time it’s different — he invests here, he invests there, he invests elsewhere. He has had successes, he has had maybe his failures. I can work with him.”

Chalabi never grasped his essential unpopularity. In the first round of elections, in January 2005, Chalabi rode into office as a member of the United Iraqi Alliance, the Shiite coalition pulled together by Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, the powerful Shiite religious leader. Nearly every Shiite in Iraq voted for the U.I.A., and a name on its slate all but guaranteed a seat in the Parliament. The leadership of the U.I.A. was sharply Islamist.

Nearly a year later, as the December 2005 elections approached, Chalabi veered again, away from the Islamists, away from Moktada. Chalabi publicly chided the Shiite coalition as being too Islamic-minded, declaring he didn’t want to be a member of a government that was planning to transform Iraq into an Islamist state. By that time, of course, Iraq was already quite Islamist anyway. “They’re Islamist, and I don’t want to be part of the sectarian project,” Chalabi told me just before the elections that December. I actually believed him, but given his association with Moktada, it didn’t seem that many other Iraqis would.

The reality, anyway, was more complicated. In the weeks before the election, the Shiite alliance offered Chalabi and his supporters 5 seats on its 275-seat slate; Chalabi demanded 10. Some Shiite leaders told me that they had deliberately offered Chalabi a low figure in the hope that he would leave their alliance for good. Mahdi, the vice president, denied that this was true.

“For four days I tried to convince him; I even threatened him,” Mahdi told me. “I said, ‘Ahmad, if you leave this room, we will be no more friends.’ I was not serious. I was only threatening.”

So Chalabi went his own way. If he had wanted only a seat for himself, he could have taken his place in the Shiite alliance; plenty of other Iraqis did. In going alone, he must have known that he was risking disaster. He went ahead anyway.

A few days before the election, I drove up to Chalabi’s compound in Khadimiya for a lunch he was holding for tribal leaders. In much the same fashion as in Mushkhab 11 months before, about 100 sheiks from Sadr City listened to a Chalabi speech before descending on heaps of lamb and rice.

One of the sheiks, a man named Sahaeh Masif al-Kindh, approached me as he walked out.

“Chalabi didn’t forget us when we were living under Saddam,” al-Kindh told me. “He was Saddam’s biggest enemy. We don’t forget that.”

4. Washington, November 2005

The second round of Iraqi elections is only a few weeks away, and the wheel is turning again. Chalabi, once in favor, then out, is back in. Ostensibly, he has been invited to Washington by Treasury Secretary John Snow to talk about the Iraqi economy. But it’s more than that. He’s going to see Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The allegations that prompted the raid on Chalabi’s compound 18 months before, that he tipped the Iranians to American eavesdropping, are mysteriously forgotten. Indeed, everything seems to have been forgotten.

Chalabi is rising on the catastrophe that Iraq has become. The Bush administration is grasping for anyone who might help them. On paper at least, Chalabi has a shot at becoming prime minister.

Most of the meetings are private. There is a dinner at the home of Richard Perle for some of Chalabi’s old Washington friends. One of the events, a speech at the American Enterprise Institute, is public. The room is filled. At the end of a speech, Chalabi is asked by someone in the crowd if he would like to apologize for misleading the Bush administration about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Chalabi nods as if he knew the question was coming.

“This is an urban myth,” he says. The audience gasps.

Chalabi told me later that his role as an intelligence conduit on weapons of mass destruction began shortly after the Sept. 11 attacks, when he was contacted by the Department of Defense. Not vice versa. “They came to us and asked, ‘Can you help us find something on Saddam?’ ” he said. “We put out feelers.”

By that time, the autumn of 2001, Chalabi had a long record of working with the American government in its shadow war against Hussein. Throughout the 1990’s, however, Chalabi demonstrated time and again that he would pursue his own interests, even if they clashed with those of the United States. There was the time in 1995, for instance, when Chalabi, under the employ of the C.I.A. in the Kurdish-controlled city of Erbil, launched an unauthorized attack on Hussein’s army. The attack failed to spark an uprising against Hussein; the Turks sent troops into northern Iraq; the C.I.A. was furious. It was a fiasco.

“Very quickly he got out of control,” one retired C.I.A. officer who worked with Chalabi told me. “We didn’t know what he was doing over there. He was trying to provoke a war with Saddam.”

Then there was the time, in 1996, when Chalabi interfered with a C.I.A. plot to topple Saddam. I heard the story not from Chalabi but from Perle, the Bush defense adviser and Chalabi friend. As Perle tells it, Chalabi called him in a panic from London, telling him that a C.I.A.-backed plot against Hussein was fatally compromised. The fact that the C.I.A.’s Iraqi front-man for the plot, Ayad Allawi, was a rival of Chalabi’s (as well as his relative) had nothing to do with his concerns, Perle said.

As Perle tells it, he quickly telephoned the C.I.A. director at the time, John Deutch, who agreed to meet in downtown Washington. Perle said he spent an hour laying out Chalabi’s worries.

“He was obviously concerned,” Perle said of Deutch.

The plot went ahead anyway. It was a catastrophe. Hussein arrested as many as 800 people and reportedly executed dozens of high-ranking officers. As a final indignity, Hussein’s men dialed up Allawi’s headquarters in Amman, Jordan, on a C.I.A.-provided communications device they captured from the plotters and left a message: “You might as well pack up and go home.”

Some people in the C.I.A. held Chalabi responsible, believing that he had spread word of the plot in order to deny Ayad Allawi the upper hand in the exile movement.

“There was abiding suspicion in the agency that Chalabi blew it,” the former C.I.A. agent said. The fallout over the failed coup precipitated the C.I.A.’s decision to break ties with Chalabi.

Chalabi dismisses those claims, and some in the C.I.A. from the period back him up. “Chalabi was as true to me as the day was long,” says Robert Baer, a former C.I.A. field agent in northern Iraq. “If Chalabi was going to blow the operation, why would he tell the C.I.A.?”

There was the money issue, too. Throughout the 1990’s, as the C.I.A. and Congress funneled millions of dollars to Chalabi’s organization, the Iraqi National Congress, rumors swirled about corruption. One of the skeptics was W. Patrick Lang, a senior official at the Defense Intelligence Agency. In 1995, Lang told me, he was sitting in the lobby of the Four Seasons Hotel in Washington, when he overheard a group of Iraqis talking about the money they had received from the American government.

“I knew who these guys were, and I heard them speaking Arabic, and it was obviously Iraqi Arabic,” Lang said. “So I went over and sat next to them and listened. So what they were talking about was how to spend the Americans’ money, going on shopping trips, stuff like that. Oh, they were talking about going shopping for jewelry for women, toys for kids. Consumer goods. They were also talking about Las Vegas. ‘We will sneak out of here and go to Las Vegas. We have a lot of money now.’ ”

A couple of years later, Lang said, he visited the office of Senator Trent Lott, then the Senate majority leader. After introducing an Arab businessman to Lott, Lang sat in Lott’s anteroom with a number of Capitol Hill staff members who helped draft the Iraq Liberation Act, which provided millions of dollars to Chalabi’s Iraqi National Congress. They were praising Chalabi: “They were talking about him, that Chalabi fits into this plan as a very worthwhile, virtuous exemplar of modernization, somebody who could help reform first Iraq and then the Middle East. They were very pleased with themselves.” Lang, an old Middle East hand who had worked in Iraq in the 1980’s, said he was stunned. “You guys need to get out more,” Lang recalls saying at the time. “It’s a fantasy.”

Years later, Lang said, many of the same men who were sitting in Lott’s office that day became key players in the Pentagon’s plans for an invasion of Iraq.

Which brings us back to Chalabi’s “urban myth”: the notion that he provided bogus intelligence to the Bush administration and helped persuade them — or provide the pretext — to invade Iraq. In his speech at the American Enterprise Institute, Chalabi exhorted the audience to turn to Page 108 of the Robb-Silverman report, a recently completed blue-ribbon investigation, which, he said, exonerates him.

It does, in a way. The report does not say that Chalabi & Company played an important role in the events leading to the war. It says only that the Bush administration did not rely much on intelligence Chalabi handed over in making the decision to invade.

“In fact, overall, C.I.A.’s postwar investigations revealed that I.N.C.-related sources had a minimal impact on prewar assessments,” the report says.

This is also Chalabi’s version. In the run-up to war, he says, he provided only three defectors to the American intelligence community. “We did not vouch for any of their information,” Chalabi told me.

One of the people whom the I.N.C. made available to American intelligence was Adnan Ihsan al-Haideri, who claimed that he had worked on buildings that were used to store biological, nuclear and chemical weapons equipment. Chalabi told me that he made Haideri available to American intelligence at a safe house in Bangkok. He didn’t think much of Haideri or his information, he says, and was astonished to learn later that the information he provided became a pillar of the Americans’ charges against Hussein.

“We told them, ‘We don’t know who this guy is,’ ” Chalabi said. “Then the Americans spoke to him and said, ‘This guy is the mother lode.’ Can you believe that on such a basis the United States would go to war? The intelligence community regarded the I.N.C. as useless. Why would the government believe us?”

Perle, from his perch on the Pentagon’s Defense Policy Advisory Committee Board, backs Chalabi’s version. He was privy to much of the intelligence the administration was collecting on Hussein in the days before the war. He says that American intelligence officials began from the premise that Hussein had never destroyed his stocks of banned weapons and that he had kept his programs alive. American spies were only looking to confirm what they thought they already knew. In any event, Perle said, very little of their information came from Chalabi.

“I had all the security clearances,” Perle said. “I was pretty much aware of the people that the I.N.C. was bringing to the table to talk about what they knew. Everything they did came with a disclaimer. To the best of my knowledge, there was no single important fact that was uniquely conveyed to U.S. intelligence by anyone who had been assisted by the I.N.C.”

Indeed, Chalabi says, much of the most important evidence that led America to war did not come from the I.N.C.: not the report on the uranium from Niger, and not Curveball, the Iraqi defector who made bogus claims about mobile biological weapons labs.

“It’s not our fault,” Chalabi says.

But the story doesn’t end there.

A second report, released by the Senate Intelligence Committee in September 2006, reached far more damning conclusions. The report states flatly that Chalabi’s group introduced defectors to American intelligence who directly influenced two key judgments in the 2002 National Intelligence Estimate, which preceded the Senate vote on the Iraq war: that Hussein possessed mobile biological-weapons laboratories and that he was trying to reconstitute his nuclear program. The report said that the I.N.C. provided a large volume of flawed intelligence to the United States about Iraq, saying the group “attempted to influence United States policy on Iraq by providing false information through defectors directed at convincing the United States that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction and had links to terrorists.” (Five Republican senators disagreed with the report’s conclusions about the I.N.C.)

Chalabi’s denials are unconvincing for another reason. His role in the preparations for war was not just as a source for American intelligence agencies. He was America’s chief public advocate for war, spreading information gathered by his own intelligence network to newspapers, magazines, television programs and Congress. (A New York Times reporter, Judith Miller, was one of Chalabi’s primary conduits; in an e-mail message sent in 2003 that has been widely quoted since, she wrote that Chalabi “has provided most of the front-page exclusives on W.M.D. to our paper” and that the Army unit she was then traveling with was “using Chalabi’s intell and document network for its own W.M.D. work.”) Indeed, the press proved even more gullible than the intelligence experts in the American government. In a June 2002 letter to the Senate Appropriations Committee, the I.N.C. listed 108 news articles based on information provided by the group. The list included articles concerning some of the wildest claims about Hussein, including that he had collaborated in the Sept. 11 attacks.

David Kay, the former chief weapons inspector in Iraq, offers one of the most compelling explanations for how pivotal Chalabi’s role was in taking America to war. Kay said that while the C.I.A. had long regarded Chalabi with suspicion, disregarding much of what he gave them, Chalabi had succeeded in persuading his more powerful friends in other parts of the government — Vice President Dick Cheney, for instance, and Wolfowitz. The pressure brought by those men, Kay told me, ultimately persuaded George Tenet, director of the C.I.A., that the White House was committed to war and that there was no point in resisting it.

“In my judgment, the reason George Tenet and the top of the agency came over to the argument that Iraq had W.M.D. was that they really knew that the vice president and Wolfowitz had come to that conclusion anyway,” Kay said. “They had been getting information from Chalabi for years.”

Of Wolfowitz, whom he has known for years, Kay said: “He was a true believer. He thought he had the evidence. That came from the defectors. They came from Chalabi.”

Kay said he continued to feel Chalabi’s influence with Wolfowitz even after the invasion, when Kay was leading the team searching for W.M.D. from mid- to late 2003. “Paul, when faced with evidence that we had developed on the ground, would say, Well, Chalabi says this, the I.N.C. says this, why are you not seeing it?” Kellems, the Wolfowitz assistant, disputed Kay’s story, saying that Tenet’s views were shared by officials across the government. “The position taken on weapons was the consensus view of the United States, including of the Clinton administration and other Western intelligence agencies — as well as that of Mr. Kay himself prior to visiting Iraq,” Kellems said.

Lawrence Wilkerson, chief of staff to Secretary of State Colin Powell in Bush’s first term, adds a final turn to the labyrinth. In the frantic days leading up to Powell’s speech at the United Nations in February 2003, when he laid out the case for war, Wilkerson said he spent many nights sleeping on a couch in George Tenet’s office. During those preparations, Wilkerson told me, Powell insisted that every point he would make at the U.N. had to be supported by at least three independent sources.

“We had three or four sources for every item that was substantive in his presentation,” Wilkerson told me in an interview in Washington. “Powell insisted on that. But what I am hearing now, though, is that a lot of these sources sort of tinged and merged back into a single source, and that inevitably that single source seems to be either recommended by, set up by, orchestrated by, introduced by, or whatever, by somebody in the I.N.C.”

Wilkerson said that the revelations, some of which he says he has heard from his own friends inside American and European intelligence agencies, have forced him to rethink how America went to war. “I have maintained pretty much the same thing that the president said, ‘Well, we all got fooled, it was lousy intelligence, and no one in the national leadership spun the intelligence,’ ” Wilkerson said. “I am having to revisit that. And that is disturbing to me.”

Wilkerson raises a crucial point. Assuming that Chalabi was a source for at least some of the bogus intelligence, we might ask ourselves: so what? Was the American national security apparatus so incompetent that it could be hoodwinked by a handful of shopworn engineers and an Iraqi mathematician to take the country into war? Or is the lesson more disturbing — that Chalabi simply gave the Bush administration what it wanted to hear?

“I think Chalabi and the I.N.C. were very shrewd,” Wilkerson said. “I think Chalabi understood what people wanted, and he fed it to them. From everything I’ve heard, no one says he is dumb.”

5. Tehran, November 2005

Amid the debate about Chalabi’s role in taking America to war, one little-noticed phrase in a Senate Intelligence Committee report on W.M.D. offered an important insight into Chalabi’s identity. One of the principal errors made by the Bush administration in relying on Chalabi’s Iraqi National Congress, the report said, was to disregard conclusions by the C.I.A. and the Defense Intelligence Agency that “the I.N.C. was penetrated by hostile intelligence services,” notably those of Iran.

The Iran connection has long been among the most beguiling aspects of Chalabi’s career. Baer, the former C.I.A. operative, recalled sitting in a hotel lobby in Salah al-Din, in Kurdish-controlled Iraq, in 1995 while Chalabi met with the turbaned representatives of Iranian intelligence on the other side of the room. (Baer, as an American, was barred from meeting the Iranians.) Baer says he came to regard Chalabi as an Iranian asset, and still does.

“He is basically beholden to the Iranians to stay viable,” Baer told me. “All his C.I.A. connections — he wouldn’t get away with that sort of thing with the Iranians unless he had proved his worth to them.”

Pat Lang, the D.I.A. agent, holds a similar view: that in Chalabi, the Iranians probably saw someone who could help them achieve their long-sought goal of removing Saddam Hussein. After a time, in Lang’s view, the Iranians may have figured the Americans would leave and that Chalabi would most likely be in charge. Lang insists he is only speculating, but he says it has been clear to the American intelligence community for years that Chalabi has maintained “deep contacts” with Iranian officials.

“Here is what I think happened,” Lang said. “Chalabi went and told the guys at the Ministry of Intelligence and Security in Tehran: ‘The Americans are giving me money. I’m their guy. I’m their candidate.’ And I’m sure their eyes lit up. The Iranians would reason that they could use this guy to manipulate the United States to get what they wanted. They would figure that the U.S. would invade. They would figure that we would come and we would go, and if we left Chalabi in charge, who was a good friend of theirs, they would be in good shape.”

Lang’s thesis is impossible to prove, and Chalabi denies it. And even if it were true, Chalabi’s role would be difficult to discern: so many different Iranian agencies are thought to be pursuing so many different agendas in Iraq that a single Iranian national interest is difficult to identify. Still, if Lang’s and Baer’s argument is true, it would be the stuff of spy novels: Chalabi, the American-adopted champion of Iraqi democracy, a kind of double agent for one of America’s principal adversaries.

In late 2005, I accompanied Chalabi on a trip to Iran, in part to solve the riddle. We drove eastward out of Baghdad, in a convoy as menacing as the one we had ridden in south to Mushkhab earlier in the year. After three hours of weaving and careering, the plains of eastern Iraq halted, and the terrain turned sharply upward into a thick ridge of arid mountains. We had come to Mehran, on one of history’s great fault lines, the historic border between the Ottoman and Persian Empires. As we crossed into Iran, the wreckage and ruin of modern Iraq gave way to swept streets and a tidy border post with shiny bathrooms. Another world.

An Iranian cleric approached and shook Chalabi’s hand. Then he said something curious: “We are disappointed to hear that you won’t be staying in the Shiite alliance,” he said. “We were really hoping you’d stay.” The border between Iraq and Iran had, for the moment, disappeared.

More curious, though, was the authority that Chalabi seemed to carry in Iran, which, after all, has been accused of assisting Iraqi insurgents and otherwise stirring up chaos there. For starters, Chalabi asked me if I wanted to come along on his Iranian trip only the night before he left — and then procured a visa for me in a single day: a Friday, during the Eid holiday, when the Iranian Embassy was closed. Under ordinary circumstances, an American reporter might wait weeks.

Then there was the executive jet. When we arrived at the border, Chalabi ducked into a bathroom and changed out of his camouflage T-shirt and slacks and into a well-tailored blue suit. Then we drove to Ilam, where an 11-seat Fokker jet was idling on the runway of the local airport. We jumped in and took off for Tehran, flying over a dramatic landscape of canyons and ravines. We landed in Iran’s smoggy capital, and within a couple of hours, Chalabi was meeting with the highest officials of the Iranian government. One of them was Ali Larijani, the national security adviser.

I interviewed Larijani the next morning. “Our relationship with Mr. Chalabi does not have anything to do with his relationship with the neocons,” he said. His red-rimmed eyes, when I met him at 7 a.m., betrayed a sleepless night. “He is a very constructive and influential figure. He is a very wise man and a very useful person for the future of Iraq.”

Then came the meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president. I was with a handful of Iranian reporters who were led into a finely appointed room just outside the president’s office. First came Chalabi, dressed in a tailored suit, beaming. Then Ahmadinejad, wearing a face of childlike bewilderment. He was dressed in imitation leather shoes and bulky white athletic socks, and a suit that looked as if it had come from a Soviet department store. Only a few days before, Ahmadinejad publicly called for the destruction of Israel. He and Chalabi, who is several inches taller, stood together for photos, then retired to a private room.

At the time of Chalabi’s visit, Iran and the United States were engaged in a complicated diplomatic dance; the American ambassador in Baghdad, Zalmay Khalilzad, had been authorized to open negotiations with the Iranians over their involvement in Iraq. Still, Chalabi insists he carried no note from the Iranians when he flew to Washington the next week. Officially, at least, Iran and the United States never got together.

As ever, Chalabi had multiple agendas. One was to learn whether the Iranians would support his candidacy for the prime ministership (the same reason he traveled to the United States). It makes you wonder, in light of the Baer and Lang thesis: was Chalabi telling the Iranians, or asking them for permission? Or making a deal, based on his presumed leverage in the United States? The possibilities seemed endless.

Chalabi played it cool.

“The fact that Iraq’s neighbor is also a country that is majority Shia is no reason for us to accept any interference in our affairs or to compromise the integrity of Iraq,” he said after his meeting with Ahmadinejad.

Richard Perle, Chalabi’s friend, discounted the idea that Chalabi might be a double agent. “Of course Chalabi has a relationship with the Iranians — you have to have a relationship with the Iranians in order to operate there,” Perle said. “The question is what kind of relationship. Is he fooling the Iranians or are the Iranians using him? I think Chalabi has been very shrewd in getting the things he has needed over the years out of the Iranians without giving anything in return.”

For all of the skullduggery surrounding the trip to Iran, though, the greatest revelation came later in the day. When the meeting with Ahmadinejad ended, he asked Chalabi if there was anything he could to do to make his stay more comfortable. Chalabi said yes, in fact, there was: would he mind if he, Chalabi, took a tour of the Museum of Contemporary Art?

So there we were, in the middle of the Axis of Evil, strolling past one of the finest collections of Western Modern art outside Europe and the United States: Matisse, Kandinsky, Rothko, Gauguin, Pollock, Klee, Van Gogh, five Warhols, seven Picassos and a sprawling garden of sculpture outside. The collection was assembled by Queen Farah, the shah’s wife, with the monarchy’s vast oil wealth. And now, with the mullahs in charge, the museum is largely forgotten. The day we were there, the gallery was all but empty. We had the museum’s enthusiastic English-speaking tour guide all to ourselves.

“Thank you, thank you, for coming!” Noreen Motamed exclaimed, clapping her hands.

We walked the empty halls. Chalabi moved through the place deliberately, nodding his head, pausing at the Degas and the Pissarro.

“Wow,” Chalabi said before Jesus Rafael Soto’s painting “Canada.” “Look at that.”

A retinue of Iranian officials walked with us, unmoved by the splendor. Ahmadinejad had stayed behind.

For all of the furies that emanate from the halls of the Iranian government, it has taken fine care of Queen Farah’s collection. Indeed, about the only way you would know you were not in a museum in New York or London was the absence of the middle panel from Francis Bacon’s triptych “Two Figures Lying on a Bed With Attendant,” which depicts two naked men.

“It is in the basement, covered,” Motamed said with disappointed eyes.

Finally, we came across a pair of paintings by Marc Chagall, the 20th-century Modernist and painter of Jewish life. The display contained no mention of this fact.

Chalabi gazed at the Chagalls for a time. Then, with a rueful smile, turned, to no one in particular, and said loudly: “Imagine that. They have two paintings by Marc Chagall in the middle of a museum in Tehran.” The Iranian officials seemed not to hear.

6. Baghdad, December 2005

A winter rain is falling. Chalabi is standing inside a tent in Sadr City, the vast Shiite slum of eastern Baghdad. He’s talking about his plans for restoring electricity, boosting oil production and beating the insurgency. People seem to be listening, but without enthusiasm. The violence here, worsening by the day, is washing away the hopes of ordinary Iraqis. Less and less seems possible anymore. People are retreating inward, you can see it in the glaze in their eyes.

As Chalabi speaks, I pull aside one of the Iraqis who had been listening. What do you think of him? I ask.

“Chalabi good good,” the Iraqi man says in halting English.

Whom are you going to vote for?

“The Shiite alliance, of course,” the Iraqi answers. “It is the duty of all Shiite people.”

When the election came, Chalabi was wiped out. His Iraqi National Congress received slightly more than 30,000 votes, only one-quarter of 1 percent of the 12 million votes cast — not enough to put even one of them, not even Chalabi, in the new Iraqi Parliament. There was grumbling in the Chalabi camp. One of his associates said of the Shiite alliance: “We know they cheated. You know how we know? Because in one area we had 5,000 forged ballots, and when they were counted, we didn’t even get that many.” He shrugged.

But the truth seemed clear enough: Chalabi was finished. Chalabi, who could plausibly claim that he, more than any other Iraqi, had made the election possible, had been shunned by the very people he had worked so hard to set free. No amount of deal making or of public relations foot-work, or of endorsements from friends, was able to save him. Chalabi may have helped bring democracy to Iraq, but it was democracy that finished him. He was, in the end, a parlor politician, someone from the world of his father or grandfather, or maybe of Victorian England: a brilliant negotiator and schemer who might settle a country’s problems over a cup of tea. But in Iraq, by late 2005, real power was no longer held by the parlor men, or by politicians at all. It was held by people like Moktada al-Sadr, populist leaders with a militia and a mass following in the street.

The election results were a harbinger of the civil war. Iraqis voted almost entirely along sectarian and ethnic lines: Kurds for the big Kurdish parties, Sunnis for the Sunni parties and Shiites for the big Islamist Shiite alliance. Iraqis who tried to run on a secular platform — Chalabi, for instance, and his relative, Allawi, in another party — found themselves abandoned. Just two months later, in February of this year, following the destruction of the Askariya shrine, a holy Shiite temple in Samarra, the civil war began in earnest: Shiite gunmen, who had for years been restrained by the Shiite leadership in the face of the Sunni onslaught, were finally free to retaliate.

Chalabi, shut out of the government, claimed that his sin was one of miscalculation. There was some truth to this: in all likelihood, Chalabi did not lose because he had been convicted of stealing millions of dollars from a Jordanian bank. Or because of the rumors swirling around Baghdad that he had looted the treasury. Or even because he was an exile close to the Americans. No: plenty of Westernized Iraqi exiles were elected to Parliament — among them Mowaffak al-Rubaie and Adil Abdul Mahdi — who, like Chalabi, didn’t have local followings and were trailed by similar questions. Practically speaking, Chalabi lost because he had broken from the big cleric-backed Shiite alliance that swept the election. “I had not realized how polarized Iraq had become,” Chalabi told me after the election.

He might have gotten a seat in the cabinet, but that didn’t work out, either. That stung: the new Iraqi government is staffed with Chalabi’s old colleagues, many of them members of the exile alliance he once led. Jalal Talabani is president. Adil Abdul Mahdi, his boyhood friend, is vice president. Barham Salih, comrade of many years, is deputy prime minister. His old confidant Zalmay Khalilzad, who played a central role in forming the new government, is the American ambassador. In the end, they couldn’t — or wouldn’t — bring him aboard. “Chalabi really made a mess of things,” said one Iraqi political leader who now occupies a key post in the government. He declined to elaborate.

As anticlimactic as was Chalabi’s fall, its real meaning lay in a paradox: democratic politics no longer mattered. For three years, the American-backed enterprise in Iraq rested on the assumption that the exercise of democratic politics would drain away the anger that was driving the violence. Instead of bullets, there would be ballots.

But at the culmination of that long process — two constitutions, two elections and a referendum — the violence was worse than ever. It turns out that democratic politics does not stop violence; indeed, the elections, by polarizing Iraq’s sectarian and ethnic communities, may have helped push the country into civil war.

Effectively, by the fall of 2006, the overwhelming majority of Iraq had no government at all. It was a failed state. Yes, there were Iraqis — Chalabi’s friends — who went to their jobs every day, toiling dutifully and not so dutifully inside the Green Zone, which every day seemed more and more divorced from the reality outside. In the Red Zone, as the real Iraq is called, Iraq was a nightmarish, apocalyptic place, where gunmen kidnapped children and sometimes killed them, where bodies turned up at the morgue peppered by holes from electric drills and corpses lay uncollected in the streets, along with the trash, for days on end.

Ahmad Chalabi devoted his whole adult life to toppling a dictator and achieving power in the place of his birth. He felled the dictator, helping along a reckless gamble that wagered the future of a nation. The gamble failed, a nation imploded and Chalabi never ascended to the throne he so coveted. But in an odd turn of fortune, the throne no longer had anything to offer.

7. London, August 2006

The conversation is wrapping up. The talk turns to the government of Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, the machinations of those around him, what the future might hold. Chalabi, in an expansive mood, gets up, goes into a closet and brings out a note that Bob Baer, the C.I.A. agent, scribbled to him in that hotel lobby when the two men plotted a coup many years before. The talk, improbably, turns to memoirs; at the moment, Baer’s, “See No Evil,” was a best seller. I ask Chalabi, who is back on the couch, if it isn’t time that he write his own.

He doesn’t hesitate to answer.

“Too early!” Chalabi says. “Too early!”

What do you think about Obama's proposed vending machine policies?

May 2nd, 2010

Under Bush, people were able to buy a 20oz bottle of soda for a mere .00 — some machines even offer it for as little as {content}.80! But these machines have STOLEN jobs from deserving Americans. Therefore, Obama has proposed that a law be enacted which requires a Certified Vending Machine Operator (CVMO) be present at each machine when a purchase is made.

"Essentially, these CVMOs will be present to take the money from the customers. The CVMO will then insert the money into the vending machine, and select the product the customer requests. We will provide training so that each CVMO will become proficient at operating the machine they are assigned to. This will stimulate the economy and provide jobs. This is the gateway to an America with a significantly smaller unemployment rate.", explained President elect Obama.

But some critics are skeptical of Obama’s change. CVMOs will earn a minimum of /hour and receive health, dental and other benefits. It is estimated that the average price of a 20oz soda will jump from {content}.80-1.00 to .95-.00. Likewise, snack, coffee, sandwich and other vending machines will need to raise their price to cover the expertise provided by the CVMO attending to the machine.

"This is just <censored> ridiculous!", exclaimed Andrew Pierce of Borchard Printing. "When I’m running late in the morning, I am sometimes forced to buy my lunch from vending machines at the office. I hate spending .00 for a <censored> lunch. This change will make the same lunch cost near ! I find it ironic that these people working as CVMOs are the ones who would need a CVMO to use a vending machine. This isn’t rocket science."

What is your opinion on the CHANGE Obama has in store for the vending industry? Considering each vending machine would require a CVMO, that is a lot of jobs throughout the US! Maybe he isn’t as stupid as conservatives made him out to be before the election?

What do you think about Obama's proposed vending machine policies?

May 2nd, 2010

Under Bush, people were able to buy a 20oz bottle of soda for a mere .00 — some machines even offer it for as little as {content}.80! But these machines have STOLEN jobs from deserving Americans. Therefore, Obama has proposed that a law be enacted which requires a Certified Vending Machine Operator (CVMO) be present at each machine when a purchase is made.

"Essentially, these CVMOs will be present to take the money from the customers. The CVMO will then insert the money into the vending machine, and select the product the customer requests. We will provide training so that each CVMO will become proficient at operating the machine they are assigned to. This will stimulate the economy and provide jobs. This is the gateway to an America with a significantly smaller unemployment rate.", explained President elect Obama.

But some critics are skeptical of Obama’s change. CVMOs will earn a minimum of /hour and receive health, dental and other benefits. It is estimated that the average price of a 20oz soda will jump from {content}.80-1.00 to .95-.00. Likewise, snack, coffee, sandwich and other vending machines will need to raise their price to cover the expertise provided by the CVMO attending to the machine.

"This is just <censored> ridiculous!", exclaimed Andrew Pierce of Borchard Printing. "When I’m running late in the morning, I am sometimes forced to buy my lunch from vending machines at the office. I hate spending .00 for a <censored> lunch. This change will make the same lunch cost near ! I find it ironic that these people working as CVMOs are the ones who would need a CVMO to use a vending machine. This isn’t rocket science."

What is your opinion on the CHANGE Obama has in store for the vending industry? Considering each vending machine would require a CVMO, that is a lot of jobs throughout the US! Maybe he isn’t as stupid as conservatives made him out to be before the election?

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

April 30th, 2010

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Hangover Ratings….?

April 29th, 2010

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Ever wanted to annoy someone in the office?

April 27th, 2010

Thanks to new inspiration, this is my new post on annoying people. (Again, sorry it takes a million years to read, trust me, it took a million years to TYPE!!)
By the way, most of my posts are from GetAmused.com

“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone each.

Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.

Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

DARE: Run three laps around the office at top speed

DARE: Ignore the first three people who say “Good Morning” to you

DARE: Skipping is better than walking

DARE: After every sentence, say “Mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent – “Thank you, Mon”

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Every five minutes, announce (very loudly) that you have to go to the bathroom

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Insist that your e-mail address be: “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com” (or “thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com”)

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”

Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom."

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one with something like, "more to come tuned to your inbox for further developments…"

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio.

Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left.

When an a person tells you that they’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.

When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.

Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or don’t speak with them. When they knock, ignore them.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.

Which hangover is yours lol….?

April 27th, 2010

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

What do you think about Obama's proposed vending machine policies?

April 25th, 2010

Under Bush, people were able to buy a 20oz bottle of soda for a mere .00 — some machines even offer it for as little as {content}.80! But these machines have STOLEN jobs from deserving Americans. Therefore, Obama has proposed that a law be enacted which requires a Certified Vending Machine Operator (CVMO) be present at each machine when a purchase is made.

"Essentially, these CVMOs will be present to take the money from the customers. The CVMO will then insert the money into the vending machine, and select the product the customer requests. We will provide training so that each CVMO will become proficient at operating the machine they are assigned to. This will stimulate the economy and provide jobs. This is the gateway to an America with a significantly smaller unemployment rate.", explained President elect Obama.

But some critics are skeptical of Obama’s change. CVMOs will earn a minimum of /hour and receive health, dental and other benefits. It is estimated that the average price of a 20oz soda will jump from {content}.80-1.00 to .95-.00. Likewise, snack, coffee, sandwich and other vending machines will need to raise their price to cover the expertise provided by the CVMO attending to the machine.

"This is just <censored> ridiculous!", exclaimed Andrew Pierce of Borchard Printing. "When I’m running late in the morning, I am sometimes forced to buy my lunch from vending machines at the office. I hate spending .00 for a <censored> lunch. This change will make the same lunch cost near ! I find it ironic that these people working as CVMOs are the ones who would need a CVMO to use a vending machine. This isn’t rocket science."

What is your opinion on the CHANGE Obama has in store for the vending industry? Considering each vending machine would require a CVMO, that is a lot of jobs throughout the US! Maybe he isn’t as stupid as conservatives made him out to be before the election?

Hangover Ratings?

April 25th, 2010

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Rate this excerpt? :)?

April 24th, 2010

I wanted very badly to go home. My head was pounding, I was out of aspirin, and the light from the lamp on the corner of my desk was making spots dance in front of my eyes. And, for some strange reason, the mountain of paperwork in front of me wasn’t finishing itself. It would have been better if I’d had a case to work on, but without anything to distract me, I was going crazy.

And the hands on the clock seemed to be perpetually frozen at 4:56pm.

I shut my eyes tightly and put my head in my hands. The consequences of standing up and just walking out of the Chicago Police Department were beginning to pale in comparison to the consequences of staying here any longer. I was running on next to no sleep and half a cup of poorly brewed coffee. Seriously, at the very least, there could be one Starbucks on the way to work – or even a Dunkin’ Donuts, for God’s sake – but no, I’m stuck with shitty break room coffee made by David Abrams. Abrams, who besides being the reason the word “creeper” was created, can’t brew a decent batch of coffee to save his life. This morning, I had barely been able to choke down half a cup before having to stop for fear of gagging.

Tentatively, I inched my eyes open a little before closing them again, hoping that if I did some sort of Mount Everest style acclimation I could manage to work for a little longer. Unfortunately, other than making me look like an idiot, this really accomplished nothing. I sighed and picked up my pen; it hovered over the paper, poised to write, but I couldn’t bring myself to continue labeling case reports from last month. Leaving the fact that this should have been done sometime around oh, last Monday, out of it, this job was painfully tedious and doing nothing to help my headache. I set my pen back down with more force than necessary and resolved to put this off for at least another five minutes. I was about to head to the break room to grab a candy bar from the machine when –

“Up for a new case?”

I jumped at the sound of a voice, and then turned to find my boss standing behind me. John Emery had been Chicago Police Chief for the past ten years – during two of which I had worked for him – but he still walked around as if he were on assignment. Emery’s last job had been as an undercover agent, and while appearing out of thin air had been helpful then, it scared the shit out of me when he did it in the office.

Movie Clichés I Never Want to See Again. Can Anyone Suggest Any More?

April 22nd, 2010

“I’m Getting Too Old For This Sh!t!”
Movie Clichés I Never Want to See Again

•The opening of film on water, panning up to distant cityscape as we fly towards city. So overdone, so lazy, please establish your location in a more original way.
•In an effort to show what a loser/how lonely a character is, they come home and go to the answering machine and instead of reading the digital # readout like we all do, they press the button and we hear the female voice announce “You have no messages.”
•Person being chased reaches car or home. Door is locked, retrieves keys and drops them.
•One character has something important to say, something that will change everything but when they are about to say what they need to say, the other person will interrupt but then will say, “Sorry, go ahead.” But will be told “No, you go ahead.” And as a result, whatever it is the other person says will result in main character not saying what they were about to say. Even worse if afterwards the other person says, “I’m sorry, you were going to say something.”
•If the driver is speaking to the passenger, they will spend an impossibly long time staring at the passenger instead of at the road. Somehow they NEVER rear end the car in front of them.
•“I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.” Seriously, can everyone PLEASE agree to delete this phrase from our collective consciousness?
•The person who notices some wet substance on the ground or wherever and bends down to run a finger through it, look at the finger (often rubbing two fingers together) and usually realize it’s blood.
•If you’re a woman and there is a killer on the loose, just take a relaxing bath and he will find you.
•If a person with important information to reveal tells the detective to come by at such and such a time and he will tell him all the info, he will be dead when the detective arrives.
•If a person good person dies with his eyes open, a friend will close them, and they will remain closed. If a villain dies with his eyes open, no one will close them, and the camera will linger on his face.
•All characters keep detailed newsclippings of important events in their lives, particularly those events that must be painful to recall, such as the loss of the character’s immediate family due to their own negligence. NB: If the news report would have come out while the character was in jail or on the run, all the more reason for the character to have kept it intact.
•If a person’s clothes get snagged on something, they tear very easily and leave a large, noticeable chunk behind. The Person trying to not be found never seems to realize this has occurred.
•If the movie is animated, one of the kid’s parents will be dead. This is almost always the mother.
•If there are three or more sisters in the movie, one of the sisters will be extremely neurotic and married to a lawyer/doctor/shrink, one will be single and looking for love (the lead) and one will be a mother with at least two kids (a boy and a girl or two girls, never two boys).
•Every sword/knife pulled from a holder always makes a metal against metal sound
•All movie mothers will prepare a breakfast, usually consisting of scrambled eggs, bacon, etc. Dad and the kids will invariably arrive at the table 30 seconds before Dad has to leave for the office and the kids have to catch the school bus. Each will have time only for a sip of coffee/juice and/or one bite of toast. There must be enough food left over in these homes to feed a third world nation!
•Beverages are served either half full or completely empty (especially coffee).
•Coffee is never served steaming hot unless it is for comedic reasons
•When a helicopter is hit by a bullet or rocket, it’ll explode immediately if it contains a villain, but if the hero is on board, it will loose power, smoke will come out of the doors, and it’ll just reach the ground in time for the hero to get clear then duck just at the moment it explodes.
•Whenever a hero enters a dark room where he feels confident in being alone, someone (villain) will be sitting in a chair waiting for hero to turn on the lights before speaking. Sometimes intruder will be the one to turn on the light.
•The hero will always refuse the assistance of friends or medical personnel after a fight. If the hero gets into a second fight, his most injured body part will always be punched or kicked.
•A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating, yet he will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.
•The bad guy has the good guy in his sights, his trigger finger poised to squeeze off a life-ending round. A shot rings out, and we shudder—but the hero does not fall. As he frantically checks his body for the mortal wound he must have sustained, a dazed look overcomes the villain’s face, and he slumps to the floor. Then, and only then, the camera reveals a gun-toting savior who blew away the baddie before he could kill our protagonist.
•Like above, only hero and villain are in a life and death struggle with gun, it goes off, who got hit? The same with a struggle over a knife. Any close up struggle with a pointy object will result in death.
•Walking toward the camera in slow motion as a massive explosion happens in the background, without flinching, and miraculously not being hit by any shrapnel
•In a scary movie, if someone is looking in the refrigerator for a late night snack, when they close the refrigerator/freezer door, the killer will be standing there OR a friend/parent will be standing there, startling them.
•Surprise cat appearances. Almost always shrieking for no good reason.
•Character in vehicle, glances in rear view mirror, nothing suspicious, character reaches for something (radio), sits back up, eyes go back to rear view mirror, killer’s eyes looking back.
•Character stepping lightly past killer’s body only to have him reach out and grab their ankle
•Any movie in New Orleans takes place during Maudi Gras
•The super-sped up cityscape. This scene requires shots of a moving and setting sun, buildings lighting up, and people zipping around.
•Eight to ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers on earth and can break into any system.
•Anytime anybody picks up pieces of a broken glass they will ALWAYS cut their finger. They will also always suck their breath in through their teeth and stick the injured finger in their mouth.
•When someone, usually the hero, appears to be shot fatally but a few minutes later, when the camera goes back to them -What’s This!- they aren’t dead after all. They will ALWAYS groan, reach up with both hands and rip open their shirt (nobody cares about buttons in the movies!) revealing the –SHOCKER!- bullet-proof vest (even though the obvious bulge from a bullet-proof vest was never visible under their clothes in the previous scene). They will then pluck the bullet from the indentation, stare at it and drop it to the ground. Occasionally the person will do something that defies all reason; they will REMOVE THE VEST and go after the bad guy. Because, as everyone knows, when a bullet-proof vest takes a hit or two they are rendered useless. Again, I have two words for all bad guys: HEAD SHOT!

•When ever a person is being chased on foot, regardless of the time of year or city, there will be some sort of parade to try and loose your pursuer in.
•Any time a secret tracking device is used so the bad guy can track the good guy, the tracking device will have a blinking red light AND when the camera gets a close up we can hear it beeping. An AUDIBLE secret tracking device? Really? See Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.
•When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
•When the tech guy is given a blurry, extremely pixilated part of an image (i.e. license plate) and they are able to clear it up to crystal clear, easily readable condition
•Making hacking look cool by making the computer’s mainframe look like some sweet virtual world of colorful corridors and cubes you need to click on.
•If it’s a tavern in a western, some grizzled old f*ck will spit tobacco juice in response to our hero entering.

I have a site archiving every movie cliché I could think of/find at:

http://movieclichearchive.wordpress.com/

Please feel free to stop by and if you can think of one I haven’t listed, there is a section at the bottom of each category to leave a suggestion.

Enjoy!

TO saff read the stories you said no to again?

April 20th, 2010

Why was your answers No to the following stories:

Story 1 – No
Story 4 – No
Story 6 – No
Story 7 – No

STORY ONE: What I want to know what is your definition of skinny enough and is Carlys mom saying that Carly was overweight before and now Carly is skinny or is Carly reading too much into this: STORY : Carly is THIN and A FEW DAYS AGO when Carly came home from work she changed into a tee-shirt but wore the same pants she wore to work. Carlys mom asked her as they sat down to eat if Carly lost weight, and Carly said no, but this upset Carly. Carly said to her mom that her mom always tells Carly she looks beautiful. Her mom said you do look beautiful but your pants look bigger. And she told Carly that Carly is skinny enough.’

STORY FOUR: MY QUESTION after you read the story: Did I give the right answer? STORY: My friend Peggy was out sick for two days in a row with food poisoning. When Peggy came back to work she met Tania by the ladies room at 9AM. Tania said; girl you are skinny, you lost weight. Peggy thought Tania was implying that Tania never thought Peggy was skinny before her two day illness (everyone is always telling Peggy she is skinny – all of her). Anyway around 3PM Peggy was in Tanias office and Peggy asked Tania did Tania think that Peggy still looked sick and does Tania think Peggy look pale. Tania said Peggy you do look pale. Then Peggy said to Tania did Tania think Peggy looks drawn like Tania told Peggy earlier. And Tania said she didnt say that. What Tania said she said was that Peggys face looked like it lost weight and when one isnt smiling and one looks pale their face looks thinner. That night Peggy called me on the telephone and told me the story and asked me was Tania implying that she never thought Peggy was skinny before her two day illness. And I told Peggy that Tania wasnt saying that at all, all Tania said was that Peggys face looked skinnier.

STORY SIX: MY QUESTION after you read the story: Do you concur with Colettes friends that Josie only said; Well; in a hesitant voice was because Josie never saw Colette standing, Josie only saw Colette sitting so Josie never realized how thin Colette is. STORY: Colette (who is very thin) went to a coffee shop for lunch and a girl who is there was eating lunch with her brother. The girl who is mentally challenged saw Colette eating a bagel and cream cheese and said; You shouldnt eat that;. The brother explained that his sister just came from a nutrition lecture. Colette told a co-worker the story and said; Do I look fat; The co-worker said; Colette you are very thin.; Later on Colette went to make Xerox copies of a report. Colette was standing on one side of the Xerox machine and Josie on the other and all they could see of one another was from the waist up. Colette and Josie exchanged small talk and then Colette said; Josie do you think I am thin?; Josie hesitantly said; Well, and then decided not to wait to make copies. Colette finished making copies went back to her desk. Late afternoon Colette got up to do something and Josie ran over and said to Colette; I only saw you sitting down, my god you are thin.; Colette that night got together with a few friends and in passing told them what transpired between she and Josie and all Colettes friends said ;the only reason Josie said; Well; in a hesitant voice was because Josie never saw you (Colette) standing she (Josie) only saw you (Colette) sitting so she (Josie) never realized how thin you (Colette) are and she (Josie) even admitted when she (Josie) saw you (Colette) standing that you (Colette) are thin.;

STORY SEVEN: MY QUESTION: after you read the story: Did I give Patricia the right answer. STORY: Today at work an elderly customer asked Patricia if she lost weight and Patricia told her no. The customer said that Patricias face looked like she lost weight, but maybe Patricia was tired. Then as they started to walk toward Patricias coworkers desk the elderly customer told Patricia that Patricia is so skinny. Patricia said to her that that Patricia was always skinny. The elderly customer replied you are like me you lose weight in face but gain in stomach. The stomach part bothered Patricia. Patricia said to the elderly customer that Patricia is skinny everywhere. The elderly customer told Patricia that Patricia is skinny every where. That the elderly customer does not want Patricia to get fat but Patricia should gain five pounds. The elderly customer said that the elderly customers stomach is big since the elderly customer retired. And that the elderly customer thinks Patricia is skinny every where and she said that even Patricias hands are tiny as well. Patricia called me and told me the story and I told her that all the woman is saying that it looked Patricia lost weight in the face and Patricia is skinny everywhere including Patricias stomach, but the elderly lady has a big stomach.

I need some help translating something from english to french. ?

April 16th, 2010

im not using an online translator becuase they dont work 100%. if you translate something from english to french, and then the french stuff to english, you get totally different translations. so i need help from someone that speaks french very well. heres wat i need translated:

Set among the crystal clear lakes and flowing waterways of the prestigious Jumeirah Lakes Towers development in Dubai, my ideal house redefines affordable luxury. Located strategically on Sheikh Zayed Road, my house is situated in close proximity to some of Dubai’s famous sports, leisure and recreational facilities including Emirates Golf Club, The Montgomerie and several luxury beach resorts. Prestigious landmarks such as the Burj Al Arab and the eighth wonder of the world, the Palm Jumeirah, are minutes away. Indigo colored glass, aluminum and white steel are combined to form an outstanding and unique concept in modern architecture. The roof and a majority of the outside of the tower is covered in solar panels, which supplies more than 50% of the building’s electricity needs. Soaring to an impressive 35 floors, my house rises majestically in the midst of an idyllic setting of tranquil waters and lush green lawns. The ground floor features appealing cafes and shops to entice tenants and visitors while manicured lawns, lakes and boulevards coalesce to ensure working in Indigo Icon is a delightful and productive experience. My house rises a magnificent 35-stories and is set among lush, green lawns and sparkling waterways; the perfect surroundings in which to conduct business. The residential part of the tower comprises 272 apartments in a combination of spacious studios, one, two, three-bedroom apartments, and duplex penthouses. Fully air-conditioned, the interior finishes are of the highest standard. Large balconies and terraces offer breathtaking views overlooking the picturesque lakes and wide expanses of lush greenery to the south and the Arabian Gulf and new Marina development to the north. The commercial part of the tower comprises 68 offices over 8 floors. The residential and commercial floors have separate entrances, ensuring residents have total privacy. This spectacular development offers impressive shopping and dining on the ground floor. Coffee shops look out onto landscaped gardens, all within a secure and peaceful community. Encompassing residential, office and retail outlets, this tower offers all the modern amenities and facilities including a fully equipped kitchen with fridge, cooker and dish washing machine; large lap pool / barbecue area; fully equipped gymnasium; Jacuzzi; bars; high-speed internet; six high speed lifts; 9 screen movie theater; and 24 hour security. The bank is in the basement level of the tower, but there are multiple ATMs on each floor. Every room is simply, but elegant and boasts many modern features. There are elevators and escalators situated on each floor, for easy access to the rest of the tower. My tower has a large undercover car park and additional spaces are provided for the exclusive use of tenants and their visitors. My tower even has an employees quarters. My part of the tower is one whole floor. It consists of all the normal rooms that you would expect in a house: a living room, den, dining room, kitchen, bathrooms, office/workspace,and my bedroom. There’s even an entertainment center, library, and a game room. The living room and den have sofa sets, coffee tables, and TVs. The dining room has a very long table in it and has a red oak floor. The kitchen also has red oak floors, and it has all the high tech appliances in it. My bed room is very colorful and the walls are covered with various posters. My library is fairly small, but it has many books in it.

THANKS!!